When I started telling this story the other day, I thought I could handle it. I thought it was a story that I was ready to tell. It ended with me calling my doctor to make sure I wasn't having a panic attack. My arms went numb, my head was spinning and confused. I don't know what caused that and I truly hate to think that I am neurotic enough that going back in time to that point would cause such physical anguish. Still, I can't help but think that I psyched myself out by revisiting what has been buried for a long time for good reason.What really is important in all this is that I have only recently decided to completely let go of the past. I am letting go of Andrew, of memories of how it was and what could have been. It occurred to me that I never gave my marriage a chance because Patrick was simply not the man that I wanted him to be, and that man was Andrew. But lately, looking at him for who he is and can be, I really like the man that Patrick has become. Our counseling sessions have gone incredibly well and ever since I packed the bags to leave (and then chickened out), Patrick has been a new man. And in being so, he has shown me how unfair I have been to him since the day we met. I never gave him a chance.
Now it's time. It's time to look at the father of my son and erase all the expectations that someone else implanted in my mind and heart. Because Patrick is a good, kind man. He is becoming an exceptional father and has been a patient husband/roommate. And when I look at him now, I can see a future.
Maybe sometime down the road I will finish the story of Andrew for you all. Maybe someday soon. I think it would be cathartic to lay it out there and be done. Perhaps I will have a Xanax on standby for that day.
Almost eight years have passed and it's time that I start to appreciate what I was given and say goodbye to what never was.
