A Shocker

Hello strangers! It's been so long and I've missed you all terribly. I am so out of touch with the blogosphere due to work. But I just got some big news yesterday that I wanted to share with you all, since you've been along my ride with me for a while now.

I was diagnosed yesterday with a vascular tumor in my liver. Two and a half weeks ago I became severely nauseated and it lasted all day and awakened me at night. It didn't go away. At first I thought it may be a pregnancy (thank God that I could have the suspicion for once). After a test came out negative I made an appointment with my GP. She first assumed that it was my gallbladder and sent me for the sonogram. It came back with a "strange mass" on my liver. Then they sent me for a CT scan with contrast and I got the results back yesterday.

Now everything I know about a vascular liver tumor I learned from Google. They made an appointment for me with a liver specialist on Tuesday and I will learn more then. From what I have researched so far there are three types. The first, benign tumor, is almost always asymptomatic and is only found through other tests. The second, a malignant tumor, is treatable with chemo or, if it is confined to one lobe of the liver, surgical extraction. With this tumor, it is confined to the liver and has not affected any other organs. The final one, which I will not accept, is metastatic tumor. This is one that is fast-growing, spreads to other organs and causes discomfort. The prognosis for this tumor is 2-4 months.

I'm not sure what I think here. I am scared. I'm scared because my stomach is completely jacked and it shouldn't be. I am always nauseated, extremely gaseous, and have indigestion and constipation. None of those symptoms should relate to my liver. When I move too much I get short of breath. Upon reading about the third tumor I see that it spreads quickly because the liver filters blood and it spreads through the blood into the lungs, gallbladder, intestines, etc. That is when the symptoms show up and by then it is too late. Of course I am praying that there is another explanation.

It's early yet. Patrick says it's too soon to worry before we really know what we have to worry about. This comes from the man whose mother died 5 weeks after being diagnosed with cancer out of the blue. And the same man never spoke in any depth or addressed his mother's illness at all, so I am afraid I can't really lean on him for support. My parents and brother and sister-in-law are scared and constantly gauging my mood so I am trying to be upbeat about it for them. In all honesty though, I am terrified. I am terrified that my beautiful son, who relies so completely on me, will never get a chance to know me. I know that, if I were to pass, I would watch every moment of his life from wherever. But he won't have that luxury.

Anyhow, I just wanted to jot some thoughts down. It's all rather surprising and there are still a lot of unknowns. I'm just trying to figure out the best way to deal. Today I am at work, even though I am in a lot of pain (my stomach is filled with shooting pains and cramps). What else would I do? After I found out yesterday Patrick left to go take practice pictures of a baseball game and left me alone with my thoughts all night. By the end of the evening I was in tears just watching Cade play and be young and carefree. I know that I need to get out and keep my mind on other things. So, outside of writing this, I am trying to do so.

And on that note, I am going to go study some financials! What is more enthralling than that? I will keep you all updated. It's good to be back!