Friday, April 17, 2009

Ctrl + Alt + Del

When I started telling this story the other day, I thought I could handle it.  I thought it was a story that I was ready to tell.  It ended with me calling my doctor to make sure I wasn't having a panic attack. My arms went numb, my head was spinning and confused.  I don't know what caused that and I truly hate to think that I am neurotic enough that going back in time to that point would cause such physical anguish.  Still, I can't help but think that I psyched myself out by revisiting what has been buried for a long time for good reason.

What really is important in all this is that I have only recently decided to completely let go of the past.  I am letting go of Andrew, of memories of how it was and what could have been.  It occurred to me that I never gave my marriage a chance because Patrick was simply not the man that I wanted him to be, and that man was Andrew. But lately, looking at him for who he is and can be, I really like the man that Patrick has become.  Our counseling sessions have gone incredibly well and ever since I packed the bags to leave (and then chickened out), Patrick has been a new man.  And in being so, he has shown me how unfair I have been to him since the day we met.  I never gave him a chance.

Now it's time.  It's time to look at the father of my son and erase all the expectations that someone else implanted in my mind and heart. Because Patrick is a good, kind man.  He is becoming an exceptional father and has been a patient husband/roommate.  And when I look at him now, I can see a future.

Maybe sometime down the road I will finish the story of Andrew for you all. Maybe someday soon.  I think it would be cathartic to lay it out there and be done.  Perhaps I will have a Xanax on standby for that day.  

Almost eight years have passed and it's time that I start to appreciate what I was given and say goodbye to what never was.


  1. Ahhh...finally, a breath of fresh air.

    Love for you, sister.

  2. Very brave of you to write about such a sensitive subject. I feel a weight off of YOUR shoulders.

  3. I love reading your blog because your honesty is just unbelievable. Have you read your blog from beginning to end lately? If not, give it a shot ... I think you'll be very proud of yourself. ((x))

  4. You've been recommended for a Lemonade Stand Award because your blog is so awesome : )

  5. Awww, thanks KLo! And congrats on your award!