Thursday, April 2, 2009

The Desolate Landscape of My Mind

I'm not feeling a lot of turmoil these days, and lack of turmoil usually means lack of inspiration for writing.  It's sad how that is.  I am sure there are all manner of happy things to write about, but I just don't feel it.  Yesterday, on this blog post, I replied about how medication makes me apathetic. I don't feel any emotion very intensely, which I assume is the medication because I used to feel everything like it was touching on raw nerves, electrifyingly painful.  It's like I just don't have the energy to give a crap about what is going on in my life.  I might be incensed on a logic level, but emotionally I simply don't process chaos any longer. I think this is why I have been through so much in my marriage and just kept going.  I am able to stay numb enough to exist in a nice, little bubble.  I'm not happy, but I'm not angry or hurt.

The things that I do feel are sadness and loneliness, which is apparently pretty common.  Not that I want to be around people, because I do tend towards hermitude, but I don't like not having people to be with were I to decide that's what I wanted.  How fickle?  My desire to do nothing more than climb in bed and sleep is an indication that perhaps the meds aren't working at full tilt.  But then again, maybe it is normal to be depressed in my circumstance.  I could chase my tail on this one all afternoon.

One of the things I hate most about being diagnosed with a mental illness is that I no longer know what is me, what is the medication, and what is the illness.  Am I depressed because of my situation or is my situation as it is because of my manic/depression?  Could my husband be a good man who is doing his best with a loony bird who doesn't cook, clean or have sex with him and occasionally looses her mind altogether for a good week or so?  Lately we have really gotten along well and he has been quite fun to be around.  He is chipping in with Cade and has become quite the great father.  He has to cook every night else we all eat PB&J because I would rather scrub a toilet bare-handed than cook a meal.  He does dishes daily and I...ummm, I... Well, I take Cade to school every day and do homework with him for the most part.  I work and make almost twice what he does, so the provider aspect is covered.  But really, what do I give to this relationship other than instability?  Perhaps our counselor was right when he said no man in his right mind would sign on with me.  What do I have to offer?

I'm starting to feel a real sense fault for the possible demise of our marriage.  I have never been fair to Patrick.  I have kept feelings for another man all these years, the infamous soul mate. I have always complained about him to friends and family.  It has always been me and him, never us.  I have been selling him short.  It's no surprise he has done the same.  But which came first, the chicken or the egg? 

Sorry for the pity party.  I think when I don't write it might be for the best, because when I start to think I pick myself apart.  I've gotta work on that.


  1. blogs are meant for therapy. pity party away, woman.

  2. To be perfectly honest I'd be pretty sick of doing all the cooking and all the cleaning for a family of three too, so if you really hate to cook you be the one to do the dishes every night just to try and even it out a bit. Not trying to be harsh and doing the school stuff with Cade is a big thing so sorry if this came off bitchy.

  3. Not at all copa! I can take the heat. I need brutal honesty. It's so easy in a marriage to make someone the bad guy and start to think that you have few faults, but now that Patrick is behaving so wonderfully, it shows my glaring shortcomings. I can be all high and mighty when he is so hateful because I am better than THAT at least. But now I am starting to see where I have dropped the ball.

    Thank you so much for your input. Please, always be honest, even if you're telling me I'm an idiot! : )