Monday, March 30, 2009

The Great Mind Molder

I survived the weekend! Yippee! I slept quite a bit more than is probably acceptable, but I got some stuff done too. I ran on Saturday while Patrick ran around the park with Cade, then we took him to see Monsters vs. Aliens because he had worn us out too much to fathom a crowded hockey game with a hyperactive five year-old. It seems like he whined the majority of the weekend and I was just so short-tempered. Mind you, I am normally so even-tempered that Cade gets away with murder, so I think it might have done him good. At one point though, I told him that he was annoying, went into my bedroom and closed the door. I am never that dismissive with the little guy and I don't know why I was not tolerant this weekend. I don't like to show cracks in my carefully crafted countenance.

And now, another week looms. Have you guys ever been in a place where you feel there is nothing to look forward to? I think I get by in life by constantly having something to await. It can be anything; a weekend trip to Austin, a particular football game, a holiday. As long as I can see something coming up on my schedule, I get through each day knowing that I am that much closer to a break from the monotony that is my life. But now, there is nothing. The next thing I can anticipate is the marathon in October. Months spread out in front of me with little hope of pleasure. My son's birthday is April 15th, my little tax baby, and I am only looking to that with a sense of dread. In years past I have always made a big to-do about his birthday, throwing parties to outdo all the others we attend. But this year our finances are tight due to Patrick having been laid off for a time and now working a job that just gets us by. I am wondering how little we can do without scarring Cade for life. Can we rent a hotel room at the local "fun" hotel and invite just one friend to stay? Last year I rented a plane and took Cade flying. He sat in the captain's seat, I sat in the back. He was airplane obsessed and it seemed appropriate. His party was at the air museum, he dressed as a fighter pilot. All the kids got dog tags and Top Secret cases with binoculars and wings and jets, etc. Cade made out like a bandit.

This year, I am working, I am broke, and I am running on empty. So, what can I get by with? What can I do that will minimally scar my son? He has come to expect so much and it is probably time that we start reeling him in, back to reality. I am always so worried, as a mother with bipolar disorder, that I will drop too many balls and leave my son with a broken childhood. I overcompensate in so many areas, hedging my bets that by excelling most of the time, he will not be too traumatized when/if I do break for a period. Can I make it his whole lifetime without wigging out to a noticeable degree? Thankfully he has been blessedly oblivious during my prior times of crisis. How do I parent so that I am not the topic of endless future hours on the therapist's couch? Or are we all doomed to some level of failure? The pressures of shaping a human mind are far more weighty than anyone would have you believe prior to conception, let me be the first to tell ya!

No comments:

Post a Comment