Monday, March 23, 2009

The End?

The remainder of the story of Patrick and me could be summed up in two words.  Vicious. Cycle. Our marriage counselor said last week that the problems that have hit us, if thrown on any couple one at a time, would be enough to kill a marriage.  We managed to live underneath the burden of all of them for more than six years.  First there were the internet affairs (who knows if there were actual affairs).  Then there was the lack of sex in our marriage.  If you asked me today when we last had sex, I couldn't tell you.  Maybe last year some time?  We've gone as long as a year and a half without before we forced the issue, only to realize that there was a reason we weren't doing it. It's not worth the effort.  

Next there are the monetary issues.  We are both terrible money managers.  My lack of frugality comes from being raised by parents who lavished me with whatever my heart desired.  His came from being raised poor and feeling that we were, while making very little money in my perspective, well enough off to by the things he had always wanted.  Spending money made us feel good.  Almost seven years in and we have yet to own a home.  

Lastly, a couple years ago, I became friends with a guy.  He had done his college thesis on how divorce affects children and I wanted to pick his brain about it.  We talked.  We hung out.  As is the danger with friendships with the opposite sex, there grew a chemistry.  I began relying on him because he would listen.  I basically gave up on my husband.  I was trying to push Patrick out the door.  I wanted him to leave me because I wasn't strong enough to leave him.  I would put Cade to bed, then go out with this guy and our group of friends and come home at six in the morning.  We never took it to another level, but it was an emotional affair.  When he moved back to Canada (he was here playing hockey), I sunk into a depression.  I admitted to Patrick the reliance that had grown with "Other Man", and we began to try to work through the problems that this created.  All the while, I felt somewhat justified in my actions because he had done the same with the computer screen as a buffer.  Just last summer, while my husband was doing business out of town for six weeks at a time, I found that he had created a profile on a site designed for meaningless sexual flings.  His description, "Just looking for some fun while I'm in town".  So this man, for whom I had gone through the trouble to have Viagra prescribed for me just so that I could get through sex, and had still declined my offer, was now pimping himself out to random chicks on a nasty website.  But I stayed through that too, because our counselor said that we needed to get to the root of his problems and I just had to give him time.

Year, after year, after year, the merry-go-round of dysfunction continues to spin in our lives. Finally, a couple weeks ago, I had just had enough.  Patrick was treating Cade and I like we were nothing more than obstructions in his life.  He wouldn't do anything with Cade without huffing about how tired he was.  Any time I said a word, like "honey...", he would snap back at me like the sound of my voice wore him out.  It was miserable.  And then the straw that broke the camel's back, I found more stuff on the computer.  And I was done.  I packed the car and had my mom pick Cade up from school while I talked to Patrick.  I had finally made the hardest decision of my life and I felt...relief.


  1. I know that feeling of relief. My !first marriage had many of the components yours did. (Just add "you're fat and repulsive" to the mix and I was in an eating disorder tailspin, during my SECOND marriage...still trying to be thin enough for the ex? What the?) Anyway Erin. Keep writing. I'm with you 100% of the way...xoxo j

  2. Erin, you might feel weak in your convictions about what to do with this marriage, but let me first compliment you on a few things... You are a beautiful woman and you have amazing insight. You seem like a strong person, even if you don't think you are. And I'm not here to judge, of course, because that's not the point of our blogs. What I will say, though, is that you're clearly with a man that doesn't appreciate you for who you are or what you do. You clearly have so much to give and I see what he's doing is sapping you thin.

    I wish you nothing but luck, because you and your darling child deserve the best. I hope you can see your worth when you read what you wrote back to yourself.

  3. Thank you guys. Wouldn't it be great if I could get him to blog his version of our story on here? What a complete view you would have of the situation. Because Lord knows I can't tell you all of my faults as well as the man that lives with me.

    Still, thank you so much for the support and the feedback and for even bothering to read. I appreciate you all!

  4. This may be wrong of me to say, but you leaving him has made me so proud of you. I've read all these posts, and all the posts you made over on the beet and you deserve some happiness.

  5. Oh no Copa! Now you will be disappointed in me when you read the next post. But hang in story isn't over yet. I'm living more every single day, which is exhausting, by the way! : )