Sunday, March 15, 2009

Off Autopilot

Today I went for a bike ride.  It was about a twelve-mile ride on the paths at our local University.  What an incredible time for introspection.  I have had a bit of an aversion to exercise while struggling through a patch of depression so today was a step out for me.  It was exhilarating.  The weather was beautiful.  It was 75 and sunny with a pretty strong westerly wind that made for a good workout.  As I was passing the prairie dogs and beware of coyote signs I had a lot of time to think about what I want with my life.  
I have been content to take the path of least resistence for years now.  I have been lazy.  As everyone knows, the things that are the best in life are the hardest to come by.  My child, we'll call him Cade, is the greatest joy (and trial) in my life.  Everything that led to his existence in my life was pure misery (except maybe conception...but I digress).  Life gave me no choice but to work hard to get him.  Once he was in there, there was no turning back.  So I went through the trials and tribulations, and he was born.  And now, even though parenting sucks a good majority of the time, I have no choice but to stick with it because he deserves my very best.

However, with every other aspect of my life, I have been totally willing to drop the ball.  All of the intellect, promise and drive that burned in me through adolescence and young adulthood just faded into oblivion while I learned to exist at the most basic level.  I woke up, I did what I had to do to pay bills and raise a wonderful son, then I went to sleep again.   The last six and a half years of my life have been completely wasted.  Ideally, I will have a long time to get back to where I need to be, but I have to start now.

I've let myself go while just trying to make those around me comfortable, if not happy.  I stopped working to grow myself.  So many wives and mothers run into this same trap.  The selflessness that erupts inside of us when we give birth to a little human (because trust me, I was never selfless before) tends to push us to last.  Well, I am taking it back.  I am grabbing my life and making something of it for more than just Cade.  I am doing it for me for once.

Yep, it's going to be hard and it is going to SUCK.  I am going to have to work harder than I have in my short history to juggle all of the things in my life and still be successful at most of them.  But I am tired of coasting.  I've been on autopilot for years now, and it's time to take back the controls.

1 comment:

  1. I like here how you've identified some problems and have decided to take action....