Let's Talk About Sex (Part Two)

This is the second part of a story.  Part One is here.

As I was saying, my husband and I haven't had sex in over a year.  Although it hasn't always been my lack of desire that stopped us, it is now.  And that is why I am trying to figure out how to make a change.  Now, there are many possible reasons for my lack of interest in sex.  Allow me to expound:

1. High doses of Zoloft - Zoloft is known to have sexual side affects.  Many people who are treated for depression usually start at a dose of 25mg once daily.  Over time your body gets used to the medication and it stops working.  It does this suddenly, without warning, and usually causes a breakdown. Since I began being treated for depression at 19, twelve years ago, I am now taking 200mg a day, plus another 100mg of Wellbutrin.  You would think I would be a walking zombie, but I have built up a resistance to the drug and apparently my doctor thinks increasing the dosage to a level at which the insurance company constantly needs reassurance is safe prior to filling my script is a good idea.

2. Lupus - I was diagnosed with systemic lupus at 21 and have struggled since then.  When I don't get regular naps, say if I have to work a 40-hour week, my body starts to break down. Arthritis kicks in, extreme fatigue, the big splotches on my face known as the lupus mask become noticeable, and I am utterly useless.  On a normal basis, when I get a daily nap of at least two hours, I am only fatigued, and I am talking about bone-aching tired.  Remember the last time you stayed up for more than 24-36 hours?  Remember how sick you felt?  That's what a normal day without rest can feel like to me.  So, needless to say, sex is not the top of my priorities.

3.  Lack of Chemistry - Patrick and I have never been electric by any means.  In fact, while dating the sex was good in that "it's a new person and different is good" kind of way. However, Patrick was struggling with premarital sex and his Christianity and so there was always a lot of reserve on his part.  From the day we were married the sex dropped to simply mechanical.  It was predictable; eyes closed, no kissing, no creativity, no good.  With all of the things we have been through over the last 7 years, it has simply gone downhill from there.

My general practitioner prescribed me Viagra a year or so ago to combat the Zoloft's affects.  I took one and then tried to force Patrick to have sex with me.  But he was struggling with his own issues then and he turned me down.  So I vowed never to try again. And I haven't.  But he has made a complete and sustained 180, and now that he wants to have sex, I am not interested.

I know that it is extremely important to the survival of our marriage, the one we have both started fighting for at the same time for once, to become intimate.  But even talking about it one-on-one with with our counselor yesterday, the physical reaction to the idea of having sex with Patrick is still there.  I get chills, and not the good kind.  The counselor told me that he would start working with us to learn intimacy all over again.  At this point that seems impossible to me. But if you had told me a month ago that I would be falling in love with my husband all over again, or maybe for the first time, I wouldn't have believed that either.  But I am.

So, our next step is to start at 1st base.  Apparently, we are going to relearn the whole kit and caboodle.  And in the meantime,  I need to talk to my psychiatrist about alternative options for treatment other than slowly causing liver failure to prevent suicide.  I appreciate her short-term vs. long term approach, but I'm in this life thing for the long haul, so I would like to do something to treat both.