Monday, May 18, 2009


We're nearing summer and just like a caterpillar, wrapped up all winter, I am getting the urge to burst forth from my cocoon of cellulite and emerge beautiful for warm weather.  This isn't as simple as just pulling out last year's summer clothes and getting on with it.  Since I am just awakening from a 4-year depressive spell, which was accompanied by the requisite weight gain, I am currently downsizing from that old body.  

On Saturday I went out to get a couple things for the warmer weather and was excited to see that I am now 2 sizes smaller than I was back in January!  That's great encouragement to keep going in my journey to better myself health wise.  I'm still a lot bigger than I would like to be, but I have lost enough weight that people actually notice.

For the last four years I have been trying to cover myself up.  I may have mentioned it before, but I was hiding behind weight, mediocre hair and baggy clothes.  I didn't want to be seen by anyone because I was afraid that if someone showed interest I would do something stupid.  I came so close all those years ago and it scared the crap out of me.  

Now, I feel like I have awakened to a new life.  I love my husband.  I am in love with my husband.  I have no desire to have anyone else fill the sexual or physical void in my life.  I think a lot of the reason I am not interested in sex right now is because I feel disgusted by myself.  I need to be sexified.

My plan consists of the following:
- Highlights: my husband has been asking me to put blond in my hair for ages and I was always too pissed at the thought that he wouldn't accept me for the brunette he married to lighten my hair.  The fact is, I like blond highlights (little strands) and I am looking forward to lightening       things up for the summer.
- Pigmentation: I am pale.  I have that lovely Irish skin that is translucent.  You can see my capillaries at all times and I have that lovely reddish tint.  I use a sunless tanner, but the plan is to be outside more now, between running, biking and taking Cade to the park, that way I get a nice color that is flattering.  I am really tempted to go to a tanning bed because I like the all-over tan, but I'll put that off for now.
- Mani/Pedi: Since I am now a recessionista, I will probably have to do these two myself.  That sucks, but I'll suck up the suckiness and make it look nice.
- Continue losing weight: I still have about 30 lbs to lose to be at my ideal weight.  Mind you, I am a recovering anorexic/bulimic so my ideal is not necessarily where I should end up.  I'm 5'7" and muscular, so 140lbs is about a size 4-6...and that is where I want to be.  That is where I was when I was modeling a few years ago, and that's when my husband was really attracted to me. That's also where I can walk around with my head up.  I have seen a lot of my shoes and the cracks in the pavement lately.  It's time I face the world with who I am.  

I think in the interest of full disclosure, so you can all see what will hopefully be my transformation over time, I will do before, during, and final pictures.  I have been terrified of cameras for a long time, but I'm going to cave and do it.  I would like to get everyone's opinions on what I could do to further blossom.  I'll get my photographer husband to take some pics (he doesn't like to because I complain about every picture...again, I'll suck it up) and get back to you with those.

Do you think I could get some help from you all?  I would be eternally grateful!


  1. I think the better you start feeling inside, the better you start feeling outside, the better you start looking outside. My proof is this entire entry you just wrote. :)

    So sure sure, whatever you need. :)

  2. Yay! This is wonderful news!! I think that hair and mani/pedi should be first on your list. When I have a mani/pedi it makes me feel pretty no matter what! Same with "brithening" my hair.

    It sounds like you are off to a great start, and I strongly encourage that during your weight loss you continue to reward yourself with a new dress/outfit for every milestone you reach. That's what I have been doing, and it's like a little celebration every time you get closer to where you want to be...but you are still acknowledging how fabulous you look at the moment as well :) Healthy weight loss is hard for those of us who have done it "un-healthily" in the past....

  3. Good luck! And I agree with DSS - the hair and mani/pedi are quick ways to make yourself feel instantly better. I'd even recommend getting some eucalyptus and doing a little mini facial... a la boiling water in a bowl, a couple of drops of the oil and a towel over the head. It's refreshing and cheaper than the real thing! :)