The Edict

The last thing I had to do was go to the apartment and tell him why I was leaving.  It couldn't be a surprise, I have brought it up a million times in our marriage and we'd been in counseling.  But he was.  He was surprised that I didn't think that things were as great as he did.  He couldn't believe that I didn't have the same hopes for our future as him.  And because I hate to hurt people I stayed with him.  We talked all night and and I tried to explain to him how we could make it work.  We could live close, we could still be friends and spend time together with Cade. He would still be welcomed by my parents at our barbecues during football season.  He didn't want to sleep alone, so I told him that I would stay with him that night and then he could pick Cade up the next night. And I told him that he could finally get a dog, and the dog could sleep in bed with him at night. That actually seemed to comfort him some.

But the night was long...and there were tears.  Mind you, when his mother passed away suddenly almost four years ago, I never saw him shed a tear.  But he cried and my will broke. He is such a sweet man.  And I love him.  Sure, it is the love that most feel for their family members, but that is what he has become.  He is family.  And so, without him even having to ask, I said that I would stay.  We made promises to change all manner of behaviors between the two of us. And of course, step up the counseling.

Since then, things have been better.  He has been more involved with Cade, complimentary of me, and extremely helpful.  Those eyes that drew me in the first night haven't lied.  He has a sweet heart and a kind nature.  I truly believe that he has never been in love in order to know what true love feels like.  No, it's not easy, but you put yourself behind those that you love.  You sacrifice so that they can be happy and you work to show them that they are important to you. While he is able to do so when times are easy, he cannot see past himself when the going gets tough.  And really, I have not been perfect.  How would anyone like to live with someone who has mini-breakdowns every year or so?  I don't cook and I don't clean.  These are all things that I have to work on.  I just want to do it without the weight of an unhappy marriage.  Is that me just being selfish and giving up too easily?

So, as I mentioned when this story started, we had our first post-divorce scare counseling session.  I can only tell you what I perceived from the session.  I was told that even if I did separate from my husband, life would still be a struggle.  Besides, our counselor said, there is no guy in his right mind that would want to hook up with me considering my history of mental illness and inability to control my finances.  So, what I gathered was that I'm pretty lucky just to have a man in my life at all.  I was told that my idealism about our separation and divorce were not based on biblical principles, and thus, will not work.  Our counselor asked me to give it another six months (he asked me for three more months four months ago).  This time, we are going to meet 3 weeks together and one week with just me, because I apparently need the most work. See, I had the indecency to question the applicability of biblical principles to our marriage. I was given books that will help me to understand.  And I am to start going to church regularly and pray and read the bible so that I will be in a better frame of mind and realize that God can make all things possible.

Forgive the tone in my writing.  I am trying very hard to subscribe to my new life as a Baptist.  I simply have issues with having my life dictated to me.  Our counselor told me that he never wanted me to check my brain at the door, so if I had questions, just ask.  But the skeptic in me wonders why, so that he can tell me what to think on that matter as well?

The thing is, in January I started a life change.  I began eating well and working to find happiness in myself.  After visiting another therapist to make sure that my bipolar disorder was in check he told me that it seemed to him like I had a great grasp on things and was making the effort needed to improve my situation.  I have the support of my family.  I love my job. I am finally feeling somewhat strong and stable.  But I am unhappy with my domestic situation and I can't see a light in the tunnel up ahead.

So the questions is, what if my motives really are self-driven and wrong?  People can change.  I have to believe that because I have to believe that I can change.  In turn, doesn't that mean that Patrick can as well and I owe it to our family unit to give everything I have to getting to that place and time?  And is sex in a relationship overrated?  My parents haven't had sex in over 20 years and they are still married, though they sleep in separate rooms.  Am I doomed to something similar?  

The biggest question of all, in the long run, might I be doing more harm than good for my son? Because the bottom line is, everything I do is for him.  He is what kept me alive in the worst of times and what gives me hope about the future.  So, what now?